Reality...

It's 3:00am.  I just finished going through the last things in my room and packing up as many things as I can.  I still have wet clothes on the line, brilliant planning.  I have a pile of things lined up along one wall of my room for each of the missionaries.  I had a great dinner with some missionaries and am consistently blessed by each of them.  I am not excited about the 30 something hours of travel ahead of me...5 plane rides...4 plane tickets.  I can however keep myself calm because I know I'm going straight to the beach with my family and some of my absolute favorite people in the world to soak up the sun and do absolutely nothing else.

Today I had one of the sweetest moments I've had when it comes to goodbyes.  I am not too close to most of the older children on the base.  I usually keep my affections directed at my adorable babies.  But there are a few I just can't resist.  Well, today one of these guys came up to me after church.  I had been prayed for at church but first took a few minutes to say thank you to each person who has love me, taught me, and lived life with me.

So after church Inacio came walking up.  He just looked up at me with big telling eyes.  I had told him a few weeks ago that I would be leaving to go back home, but I don't think he realized tomorrow was it.  I asked him how he was and what he was thinking.  He responded with short answers.  I gave him another hug.  Then he looked up at me again with tears streaming down his face.
I pulled him close and reassured him as I remember my parents reassuring me so many times as a child.  The part that tore at my heart was that I knew I won't be here to hug him and calm his fears from here on out.  I am learning what it means to truly trust the children I love into God's hands.  He knows better than me.  And as much as I'd love to pack all my kiddos in my bag and bring them with me tomorrow, I know I can't.  Although I have truly considered it...a few of them are VERY small!
I know this move is right.  I know I made the right decision.  But that doesn't make the present any easier.  That doesn't put my broken heart back together again.  And that doesn't give me the words to say to children I know will be reintegrated before I ever get to come back for a visit.
I am full of emotion, yet peaceful.  I am dreading tomorrow, yet somehow ready.  I am at a loss for words but have plenty of hugs and kisses to go around.  As I put my babies to sleep one last time tonight I went into each room, gave each little one a hug, and said good night.  They each in their little way reminded me of their personalities, filled my heart with love once more.  It was a time to cherish.  It was a time I'll never forget.
Tomorrow is goodbye, until we meet again...