Thankful

One year ago today I was climbing on a plane to fly across the world to come visit family and friends, to take a break from my life in Africa and spend the holidays in America.  That was one year ago.
Today I returned from a mountain trip with over 20 people, most of whom I met in the last 3 months.
What a stark difference.

I am astounded that I have been living in the States for 5 months this week.  Seriously.  Its hard to comprehend. There are days it feels completely normal to be living in an apartment, working a hospital nursing job here in the States.  But, there are also days it feel utterly foreign as if I'm living someone else's life.  I'm still at a point where I long for things to feel normal...but I also have fear-filled moments on the days when I realize I have not thought about my "African life" throughout the day.  I fear that my memories will fade.  I fear that I will forget all God allowed me to experience.  I still struggle with how I've changed.  I know I have changed.  But I still cannot begin to articulate how.
I have however figured out two facts of life that will ring true forever...
#1- Life goes on.  Somehow without our permission and without our comprehension...life goes on.  It doesn't matter what we're going through or how we are coping with it...the world will continue.  It doesn't matter if you feel like you're in a hole and would much father cover the top and remain there...the world around you will keep moving.  People will fall in love.  Friends will come and go.  People will get sick and maybe even die.  Jobs will be lost and found.  The world will continue...the question is, will you stand still or choose to move alongside those you love.
#2- God is never-changing.  I have just experienced my first fall in three years.  I have seriously loved every minute of it.  The first day with a chill in the air.  The first leaf with a hint of yellow or red.  The fallen leaves covering my car each morning.  The children dressed in their Halloween costumes coming door to door.  Pumpkins on every door step.  I have loved it.  But more importantly, during this season God has spoken to me.  Just as sure as we are that seasons will come and go...that next year this time the leaves with be falling off the trees again...just as sure as we know after these next months of cold weather...the warmth of spring will return...just as sure as we are that after night comes, the sun will rise again...God is just that sure.  He is that solid.  His character will never change.  He will always be loving.  He will always be sufficient.  He will always be enough.
I am thankful to have learned these two truths and be able to come out overly blessed.  I am in a season of transition.  One that no one around me can truly understand.  One I have extreme trouble facing needless to say articulating to others.  But God in His faithfulness and sufficiency has brought me to this point and will continue to propel me forward.  There have certainly been days I have chosen to hide in my hole, put the cover on top, and let the world spin around me.  But most of the time I have grabbed hold of our never-changing God and gone along for the ride.  And in that God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams.  A door was open for me to take a nursing job in Greenville, SC.  The work is hard and I still have tons to learn, but I'm daily blessed by those around me and love the opportunity to care for patients in their most vulnerable moments.  I live in an adorable apartment in a great neighborhood only 3 minutes from work.  And I have found a wonderful community of people to live life with.  They challenge me to seek the Lord in everything I do.  They challenge me to serve those around me with a love some days I'm not sure I have.  We quickly have become a family...challenging each other when need be...picking each other up when one falls...loving each other the best we know how...and having tons of fun along the way.

So I am thankful.  I am astounded how quickly the time has gone.  But I am thankful my season of transition is well on its way.  I still struggle with the stress that work throws at me.  But I am thankful God has blessed me with this opportunity to learn and grow.  I have trouble believing tomorrow I won't wake up to the sweet hugs, grimy fingers, and gorgeous faces of my babies in Mozamibque.  But I have been overly blessed with a community of friends to live life alongside here in Greenville.
So in all of this...I remain thankful to my God who loves me.
Happy Thanksgiving week!

6 Weeks

Tomorrow will be 6 weeks.
6 weeks since I said all my goodbyes and left my "African Family" to rejoin my "American family".  6 weeks since I hugged all my little babies one last time.  6 weeks since I slept my last night with my fan running to block out the sound of 300 children running around.  6 weeks since I finished work and spoke my last sentences of Portuguese.  6 weeks since little Inacio gave me a hug and sweetly shared his fears of saying goodbye with tears rolling down his face.  6 weeks since I hugged all the tias and educators who made my job challenging yet so rewarding.  6 weeks since I stared into the faces of walking miracles...children I had seen literally lifted from the dust and restored to new life.  6 weeks since I shared the impact our Mozambican medical team had on me and sweetly said goodbye.  6 weeks since I celebrated 2 years of living life together with a group of missionaries who changed me and then had to say goodbye.  6 weeks since I walked outside my home to see poverty and need staring me in the face.  6 weeks since I peacefully, yet devastated left my life behind.
Tomorrow will be 6 weeks.
On a daily, no hourly...no minute my minute...basis my emotions change.  They flip on a dime...at the drop of a hat...whatever you want to say.  One minute I feel like it has been forever since I was standing in Mozambique saying goodbye to all those I love, preparing to take the step of faith it took to come back to the States.  During these minutes, I get a bit scared.  Will I forget it all?  Has this experience actually impacted me and redirected the path of my life as I expected it to?  In these moments I'm fearful it's already fading, and I haven't even figured out what's next.  The next minute I can feel it all as if it was yesterday.  I can see all the adorable faces with their big brown eyes, I can feel each last hug, I can remember all the conversations...but then it all fades away again.  During these minutes I feel overwhelming sadness.  I miss my babies.  I miss the tias, even those who pushed me over the edge on a daily basis.  I miss the missionaries, my friends, who are the only people in the world who can understand what my daily life was like.  But at the same time, I smile in these moments.  I smile thinking of all the miracles I experienced, all the love I gave and received.  It is a very strange time.  One I'm not sure I can compare to anything else I've known.
When I first moved to Mozambique in August of 2009, I often had moments like this...I would be doing something "normal" (for example waiting for an internet page to load, getting ready to eat dinner...something "normal") and all of the sudden it would hit me.  YOU ARE IN AFRICA.  You are not in the States.  You cannot get in your car and go see your family and friends.  You know nothing of this place.  And, you are actually on the other side of the globe...literally!  What were you thinking?
But these last 6 weeks have been different than that transition.  For the first month it felt completely normal...I was home for a visit, right?  WRONG!  But because I wanted to remain feeling as if this was just a visit, I have avoided looking at pictures to create a final video, writing a final update to supporters, and updating this blog...because all of those things make this final.  During these 6 weeks, returning from the beach and starting to hunt for jobs made the move start to become real.  My first interview was a rude awakening.  This is not just becoming real; this is real.  I live in the States now.  I am not going back to all those precious babies, Mozambicans, and missionaries I miss.  Well, maybe for a visit but it won't be the same.
Where do I go from here?  This is the question I am asking myself and God.  This is the question I have no idea how to answer.  I have literally applied for over 20 jobs (pediatric floors, labor and delivery units, neonatal intensive care units, ER's, and mother/baby floors).  These jobs are all over the south east (Columbia, Charleston, Augusta, Nashville, and Greenville...and I have looked other places as well).  I have earnestly asked God to close doors and open ones He'd have me walk through.  Watching doors close is far from a heartwarming experience, but when the moment comes walking through the open one will be all the more rewarding and peace-filled.
How have I changed and what does that mean for life here in the States?  This is the question I so badly want to answer.  I'm not asking, "Have I changed?"  I know the answer to that is yes.  I am asking "how" and what's the impact of that change.  And at this point I cannot begin to articulate the answer.
What I do know is this process is difficult.  I am struggling to make conversation with people.  It is easier with people I've known a long time or those few who saw me in Mozambique.  I am struggling to care about the new TV programs everyone is talking about, yet at the same time want to spend hours mindlessly watching them to catch up before the next season starts.  In the midst of it all I know one thing...no matter how difficult this transition proves to be...no matter what feelings I'm experiencing yet having trouble articulating...I know one thing.
I serve a God who loves me.  I serve a God who knows my inner being.  I serve a God who calls me friend.  He is faithful and merciful.  He will not forsake me.  And, He will give me the grace I need to make it through each day.
That is what I know.  And that makes all the difference in the world.  That makes the moments of heartache possible.  That makes the moments of fear easier to stomach.  That makes the sweet moments with family and friends I have not lived near in 2 years all the more important.  I have certainly forgotten this truth at times, when I heard a resounding NO from a hospital I dreamed of working for or when I couldn't stop the tears of loss for all those babies I loved but may never see again.  Yet in it all this is the truth that matters.
Tomorrow will be 6 weeks.
Time will continue to move forward.  The memories will continue to fade.  I will eventually take my first hospital nursing job and move to a new place.  One day the "normal" things of America will feel "normal" again.  There will come a day I can articulate what changes occurred in me during my 2 years in Mozambique and how that has impacted my life and ministry here in the States.  But for now...
Tomorrow will be 6 weeks.

Reality...

It's 3:00am.  I just finished going through the last things in my room and packing up as many things as I can.  I still have wet clothes on the line, brilliant planning.  I have a pile of things lined up along one wall of my room for each of the missionaries.  I had a great dinner with some missionaries and am consistently blessed by each of them.  I am not excited about the 30 something hours of travel ahead of me...5 plane rides...4 plane tickets.  I can however keep myself calm because I know I'm going straight to the beach with my family and some of my absolute favorite people in the world to soak up the sun and do absolutely nothing else.

Today I had one of the sweetest moments I've had when it comes to goodbyes.  I am not too close to most of the older children on the base.  I usually keep my affections directed at my adorable babies.  But there are a few I just can't resist.  Well, today one of these guys came up to me after church.  I had been prayed for at church but first took a few minutes to say thank you to each person who has love me, taught me, and lived life with me.

So after church Inacio came walking up.  He just looked up at me with big telling eyes.  I had told him a few weeks ago that I would be leaving to go back home, but I don't think he realized tomorrow was it.  I asked him how he was and what he was thinking.  He responded with short answers.  I gave him another hug.  Then he looked up at me again with tears streaming down his face.
I pulled him close and reassured him as I remember my parents reassuring me so many times as a child.  The part that tore at my heart was that I knew I won't be here to hug him and calm his fears from here on out.  I am learning what it means to truly trust the children I love into God's hands.  He knows better than me.  And as much as I'd love to pack all my kiddos in my bag and bring them with me tomorrow, I know I can't.  Although I have truly considered it...a few of them are VERY small!
I know this move is right.  I know I made the right decision.  But that doesn't make the present any easier.  That doesn't put my broken heart back together again.  And that doesn't give me the words to say to children I know will be reintegrated before I ever get to come back for a visit.
I am full of emotion, yet peaceful.  I am dreading tomorrow, yet somehow ready.  I am at a loss for words but have plenty of hugs and kisses to go around.  As I put my babies to sleep one last time tonight I went into each room, gave each little one a hug, and said good night.  They each in their little way reminded me of their personalities, filled my heart with love once more.  It was a time to cherish.  It was a time I'll never forget.
Tomorrow is goodbye, until we meet again...

Growth!

We have lots of babies growing and developing at the moment.  I absolutely love living everyday life with kids because they can always surprise you.  One day I walk in and they can barely sit then the next it seems they are tottering over to me at the door.  Lots of babies have hit milestones recently and we have certainly celebrated with them!
Igor is walking!  He began his time with us at the center like this in February 2011 with only enough energy to sit and smile...

And today he is happy, healthy, and on the move!

The twins, both Amelia and Maria are walking!  If you remember this is them upon arrival last June.

And this the them today...taking over the Baby House one step at a time!

Silvia is also doing amazing.  She came to us last November TINY...do you remember her and her brother, Horacio?

In the last few weeks she has learned to pull herself up.  She cannot stand to view life from the floor anymore...watch out world, here comes Silvia!

And lastly we have Inacio...he came to us 1.5kg (3.3 pounds)...

...and now weighs almost 3kg (6.5 pounds)!

God is at work in these lives and so many others here at the center.  We could not care for, protect, and love all these babies if it wasn't for a loving heavenly father who makes it all possible!

The Colors of Moz

Just take a look at the colors of Mozambique...Gorgeous!

It's getting cold outside...

I know what you're thinking...it's Africa, it never gets cold.  You're wrong!  At the moment I'm sitting under 4 blankets snuggled in with my hot water bottle.  There is a cold breeze blowing outside.  Now. I will admit that 65 degrees feels quite cold to me these days.  When you have experienced 125 not too many months before, 65 is COLD!  And you have to remember that we don't have heating or air conditioning so whatever the temperature is outside, it's the same in my house!  There are probably some of you thinking, 65 inside my house sounds like heaven about now.  Well, if you bumped your thermostat down a few degrees and took my little babies from the Baby House to stay at your house...this is what you would see.  I was finishing up even medications the other day and went to quickly take a little boys temperature in Room 1, the oldest of the Baby House.  This is what I found...

Each one of them was under 2 blankets!  They weren't just snuggled in but COMPLETELY underneath the blankets.  It's probably a bit hard to see, but there are 2 kids to each bed with 2 blankets covering each little body.  So funny!
As I laughed to myself and snapped a photo, little Neto popped up to see what Mana Meghann was doing!  I love these kiddos!

Reintegration

Reintegration is the word we use to describe when a child who has been living here at the center is moved back into the house with his or her family.  This family could be a grandmother, a parent, or another relative.  It all depends on the child's individual story.  Some of our children are full orphans but others are with us because of social, economic, health, or other issues.  Sometimes reintegration happens because the ministry was able to build a house that allows a family to care for their children again.  Sometimes the child is older or their health issues have resolved.  It all depends.
If you remember, in April we said goodbye to two sets of twins in one day (if you don't remember, you can read here).  One set was Lena and Enoque, age 3.  They went to live with their grandmother and other brothers and sisters now that they are older.  Just last week we were able to go and visit them in their house.  They live only a 15 minute walk from our front gate!  It was amazing to see reintegration working for these two kids who I love dearly.  They were happy, well dressed, clean, and healthy!  Their family is loving them and caring for them.  It was an amazing confirmation that even when there are sad stories, there are joyful ones as well!

Here is Lena, Enoque, and I with their aunt in the background!

 They are just as precious and joyful as they were in the Baby House!

Day In and Day Out...

You all know I am a nurse.  My main job here at the center is to work as a nurse with the children, babies in particular.  Of course I mother, play with, and care for the children in other ways as well...and often choose to share these stories with you to give you a picture of life for these kiddos.  But, here is a taste of my daily life in pictures...the day in and day out life of a nurse here at Zimpeto...
There are always medications to be given, sores to be cleaned, hugs needed, temperatures to be taken, laughs to be had, lungs to be checked, inhalers to be given, babies to be fed, cries to be soothed, smiles to be cherished, ears to be cleaned, love to be shared, and souls to be touched...

Thanks Sam for all your patience and picture taking abilities!  You are amazing!

Passing on the trade...

Speaking of kites...you can look here if you haven't yet read about toy trends!  There are some boys who make amazing kites and others struggle to get theirs off the ground.  Stelio makes some amazing kites.  Check out his kite!

He also has the skill it takes to keep his kite soaring...not always simple when other boys are running around trailing their own creations!  There are many tangled strings...but not Stelio!

Stelio is the oldest of 3 brothers who live here at the center.  Last Sunday I found the 3 boys all together, and Stelio was passing on his trade.  Edson the middle brother is very energetic and can't sit still well, but they were all enjoying their kite less from their older brother!